Chicken Little lived on a winding country lane surrounded by tall oak trees. (It should be mentioned here that the name “Little” was a family name, and not a derogatory, size-biased nickname. It was only by sheer coincidence that Chicken Little was also of shorter-than-average height.) One day, Chicken Little was playing in the road when a gust of wind blew through the trees. An acorn was blown loose and hit Chicken Little squarely on the head.

Now, while Chicken Little had a small brain in the physical sense, she did use it to the best of her abilities. So when she screamed, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” her conclusion was not wrong or stupid or silly, only logically under enhanced.

Chicken Little ran down the road until she came to the house of her neighbor, Henny Penny, who was tending her garden. This was a simple task, since she didn’t use any insecticide, herbicide or fertilizer, and also permitted the native nonedible varieties of wildflower (sometimes branded “weeds”) to mingle with her food crops. So, lost amid the foliage, Henny Penny heard Chicken Little’s voice long before she saw her.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling!”

Henny Penny stuck her head out from her garden and said, “Chicken Little! Why are you carrying on so?”

Chicken Little said, “I was playing in the road when a huge chunk of the sky fell and landed on my head. See? Here’s the bump to prove it.”

“There’s just one thing to do,” said Henny Penny.

“What’s that?” asked Chicken Little.

“Sue the bastards!” said Henny Penny.

Chicken Little was puzzled. “Sue for what?”

“Personal injury, discrimination, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligent infliction of emotional distress, tortuous interference, the tort of outrage-you name it, we’ll sue for it.”

“Good gracious!” said Chicken Little. “What will we get for all of that?”

“We can get payment for pain and suffering, compensatory damages, punitive damages, disability and disfigurement, long-term care, mental anguish, impaired earning power, loss of esteem…”

“Person, oh, person!” said Chicken Little joyfully. “Who are we going to sue?”

“Well, I don’t think the sky per se is recognized as a suable entity by the state,” said Henny Penny.

“I guess we should go find a lawyer and learn who is suable,” said Chicken Little, her diminutive brain working overtime.

“That’s a good idea. And while we’re there, I can ask whom to sue for these ridiculously bony legs of mine. They’ve caused me nothing but anguish and embarrassment my whole life and I should be compensated somehow for all that.”

So they ran farther down the road until they came to the house of their neighbor, Goosey Loosey. Goosey Loosey was busy teaching her canine animal companion to eat grass so she could avoid the guilty feelings that came with feeding the dog processed animal carcasses from a can.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling!’

“Sue the bastards! Sue the bastards!”

Gooey Loosey leaned over her fence and said, “Land sakes! Why are you two carrying on so?”

“I was playing in the road and a piece of sky fell on my head,” explained Chicken Little.

“So we’re going to find a lawyer to tell us whom we can sue both for her injuries and for my bony legs.”

“Oh good! Can I come and sue someone for my long, gangly neck? You know, nothing really flatters it, so I am convinced there’s a conspiracy within the fashion industry against long-necked waterfowl.”

So the three of them ran down the road looking for legal assistance.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling”

“Sue the bastards! Sue the bastards!”

“Smash the conspiracy! Smash the conspiracy!”

Farther down the road they met Foxy Loxy, who was dressed in a blue suit and carried a briefcase. He held up a paw to halt the entourage.

“And what are you three doing out on this lovely day?” asked Foxy Loxy.

“We’re looking for someone to sue!” they shouted in unison.

“What are your grievances? Personal injury? Discrimination? Intentional infliction of emotional distress? Negligent infliction of emotional distress? Tortious interference? The tort of outrage?”

“Oh, yes, yes,” the three said excitedly, “all that and more!”

“Well, then, you’re in luck,” said Foxy Loxy. “My caseload has just eased up, so I will be able to represent you in any and all lawsuits we can manage to bring.”

The trio cheered and flapped their wings. Chicken Little asked, “But who are we going to sue?”

Without missing a beat, Foxy Loxy said, “Who aren’t we going to sue? Three hapless victims such as yourselves will be able to find more guilty parties than you can shake a write at. Now, let’s all step into my office so we can discuss this further.”

Foxy Loxy walked over to a small black metal door that was in the side of a small hill nearby. “Step right this way,” he said as he lifted the latch. But the black door wouldn’t open. Foxy Loxy tugged on it with one paw, then with both. It still wouldn’t budge. He yanked and pulled violently, cursing the door, its mental abilities, and its sexual history.

Finally the door swung open, and a huge ball of fire shot out. This was really the door to Foxy Loxy’s oven! But unfortunately for him, the ball of fire engulfed his head, burned off every hair and whisker, and left him totally catatonic. Chicken Little, Henny Penny, and Goosey Loosey ran away, thankful that they had not been devoured.

However, the family of Foxy Loxy caught up with them. In addition to suing the manufacturer of the oven door on behalf of Foxy Loxy, the family brought suit against the three above-named barnyard fowl, claiming entrapment, reckless endangerment, and fraud. The family sought payment for pain and suffering, compensatory damages, punitive damages, disability and disfigurement, long-term care, mental anguish, impaired earning power, loss of esteem, and the loss of a good dinner. The three birds later brought a countersuit, and they’ve all been battling in court from that day to this.

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4 Responses to “–Chicken Little (Politically Correct Bedtime Stories by James Garner)”

  1. faksl Says:

    i read this book. it’s pretty good

  2. anonymous Says:

    I want to read that book! how did you get it? I’m going to get it on Amazon, probably.

    • appleblossum Says:

      This is an older book, so you probably will only be able to find it online either on Amazon or eBay or most likely a used bookstore online like Powell’s or Abe’s Books. I got mine at a Library Book sale. Good luck!

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